How is it that a three letter word can impact a person’s life so much?! S-E-X. Sex. Maybe if I say it enough the sting will go away and we can talk more honestly about it. SEX. I was so very young the first time I had It. A teenager! I look at girls who are fifteen now, and they are but infants to me! The first time I had sex, I was fifteen. And I was raped.
At the time, I had no idea. I thought he was only one or two years older than me; that he liked me. He said lovely things to me; and, boy, did he make me feel special. But…one night I woke up after being drugged and raped, was put in a car and then dumped in an unfamiliar location with no phone. I later found out he was twenty one...and I didn’t feel so special anymore. I was left completely emotionally shattered.
This was the first key moment in my journey down a dangerous sexual path.
Naturally, this event rocked my world. I was insecure, afraid and had no self worth. I was from a Christian home, I went to a Christian school, I went to a Christian church: I was the Christian girl. Yet none of this stopped the overpowering emotions and the choices I began to make in my life.
I was so broken. I began to sleep with any man who would tell me I was “pretty”, anyone who would show me attention. But by seventeen, I had experienced my fair share of men and the broken things they could do, and began to hate them. I began to sleep with women. I was still filling my brokenness with others- with that little three letter word. That dirty, little three letter word. Sex was dirty. It was bad. It was shameful. It was lustful…It was never loving or gentle.
As I got older again, though, I began dating some amazing women. Sex felt better. It was loving and good…but still not quite right. There was something about it that I still used to block out the world. It was my escape. It was my secret.
It was coming back to Jesus about four years ago that I realized I must stop this destructive path. I need to stop. I need to find clarity and love in Jesus, not in bed. I would just love to say I woke up the next day feeling liberated, and have been that way since- but, it didn’t happen like that. It took me a long time, still, to have the courage to stop having sex, and I kept stumbling along the way.
Once I had stopped having intercourse, I just swapped to watching pornography instead. Again, I was escaping the pain, I was living in secrecy and shame. I became addicted to pornography as I had with sex.
Through confessing my struggle to my best friend, meeting one-on-one to talk with her about my fears and hurt, and praying together, I have begun to heal and recover. I am daily accountable to her, and vice versa. After years of friendship, we discovered we had been fighting the same fight against sex and pornography, alone! Now we face it together, stronger.
I mean it when I say every day is a struggle. Every day I’m tempted, and every day I have to stop myself. But every day I do that, my faith grows stronger and I grow deeper into love with Jesus. I am so blessed to have a beautiful new church family, who have never judged me, but let me be free and honest about my struggles. What a blessing from God!
I wish I could go back in time and tell that little girl that she is loved, and valued and worthy of protection. I would tell her about the wonderful plans God has in store for her future. But alas, I cannot go back and change the past. But I sit today, in awe of my creator, and thankful to be on the road to recovery from sexual addiction.
This was the first key moment in my journey down a dangerous sexual path.
Naturally, this event rocked my world. I was insecure, afraid and had no self worth. I was from a Christian home, I went to a Christian school, I went to a Christian church: I was the Christian girl. Yet none of this stopped the overpowering emotions and the choices I began to make in my life.
I was so broken. I began to sleep with any man who would tell me I was “pretty”, anyone who would show me attention. But by seventeen, I had experienced my fair share of men and the broken things they could do, and began to hate them. I began to sleep with women. I was still filling my brokenness with others- with that little three letter word. That dirty, little three letter word. Sex was dirty. It was bad. It was shameful. It was lustful…It was never loving or gentle.
As I got older again, though, I began dating some amazing women. Sex felt better. It was loving and good…but still not quite right. There was something about it that I still used to block out the world. It was my escape. It was my secret.
It was coming back to Jesus about four years ago that I realized I must stop this destructive path. I need to stop. I need to find clarity and love in Jesus, not in bed. I would just love to say I woke up the next day feeling liberated, and have been that way since- but, it didn’t happen like that. It took me a long time, still, to have the courage to stop having sex, and I kept stumbling along the way.
Once I had stopped having intercourse, I just swapped to watching pornography instead. Again, I was escaping the pain, I was living in secrecy and shame. I became addicted to pornography as I had with sex.
Through confessing my struggle to my best friend, meeting one-on-one to talk with her about my fears and hurt, and praying together, I have begun to heal and recover. I am daily accountable to her, and vice versa. After years of friendship, we discovered we had been fighting the same fight against sex and pornography, alone! Now we face it together, stronger.
I mean it when I say every day is a struggle. Every day I’m tempted, and every day I have to stop myself. But every day I do that, my faith grows stronger and I grow deeper into love with Jesus. I am so blessed to have a beautiful new church family, who have never judged me, but let me be free and honest about my struggles. What a blessing from God!
I wish I could go back in time and tell that little girl that she is loved, and valued and worthy of protection. I would tell her about the wonderful plans God has in store for her future. But alas, I cannot go back and change the past. But I sit today, in awe of my creator, and thankful to be on the road to recovery from sexual addiction.
