How is it that a three letter word can impact a person’s life so much?! S-E-X. Sex. Maybe if I say it enough the sting will go away and we can talk more honestly about it. SEX. I was so very young the first time I had It. A teenager! I look at girls who are fifteen now, and they are but infants to me! The first time I had sex, I was fifteen. And I was raped.
Growing up in a Christian household and being a Christian until I was in mid high school years, I always knew that I wouldn’t disobey God’s word and would wait until I was married to have sex.
...Of course, that didn’t happen. I met boys. I got hormonal. Even when I was 15, I was fooling around with my boyfriend who I was ‘in love with’. Committing acts that I didn’t consider to be sex, but in essence it was. It seemed that whenever I had a boyfriend, I would struggle with my faith and relationship with God because I wanted to please them and wanted to feel loved by doing sexual things.
The thing about innocence is that when you let go of a little of it, it feels so hard to keep a grasp on the rest. It’s a slippery sucker, and I let go of mine at the young age of 13. It isn’t that I gave my body away or that my innocence was stolen from me by someone cruel. I stumbled into a world of anonymity and let my imagination be captured by pictures that, once embedded into my mind, could never escape.
At that tender age, I began writing erotic literature, and over 300 people took time to read every word that I wrote. It was strange, to be so consumed by these thoughts of what pictures I could create with words; scenarios that would shock; characters that would give up their own innocence for the sake of their lover.
I was raised in a Christian home. I did the "Church thing" and the "Christian thing", I went to a christian school. All of it. I could take down anyone at a sunday school pop quiz anyday. I was the queen of all things holy and ministry related (Well, so I thought!).
But, it wasn't always my real identity. I was living a duplicity of a life; the good girl and the horrible, self-hating sinner girl. I'm not sure where or how it all started, but as a teenager I discovered that masturbation both felt great; and filled up some kind of ache inside my heart, a lonliness- for a few moments when I could find time alone. How Ironic that seems now- that I was trying to kill lonliness by spending time with myself. Alone. Lust is a manipulative beast, isn't it?