Yes, you can be a good partner and still struggle with porn.

‘Can I be a good partner despite struggling with porn?’

In a recent Survey compiled by The Grace Spot, this question surfaced repeatedly. Men and women are anxious to know if they can still be considered adequate romantic partners despite a struggle with porn.

The question came from former users, and those still recovering.

The simple answer is…YES! 

​Here are three ways recovering and former addicts can make great partners:

  1. They can know grace and forgiveness 

Former and recovering addicts know the weight of their sin. This means they also know just how precious forgiveness and redemption are. Much like the woman in Luke 7:36-50, their many sins have been forgiven, so they love much.

When you are overthrown by such deep and undeserved kindness, like the sinful woman, it becomes difficult to withhold forgiveness to those who sin against you.

They love much.

  1. They can be intentional about purity 

The diligent sailor will always let down the anchor or moor their vessel before relaxing. They know what will happen if they are not intentional.

Less skilled fishermen may forget to do so, and find themselves lulled to sleep by the lapping tide, only to awake at sea in a place they didn’t intend to find themselves.

So it is with purity.

When it comes to relationships, you must be vigilant to nurture purity. Desire is a powerful force. Without intentional action and boundaries, humans will find a way to bend the rules until they break.

The man or woman actively seeking freedom from compulsive sexual behaviour has learned the value of discipline, mentoring and accountability. This will benefit both partners in courtship, engagement and marriage.

  1. They can be experienced communicators  

My desk is currently piled high with relationship and marriage preparation books. A quick scan of the indexes reveals all of them have devoted significant time to the topic of conflict and communication. No surprises there, right?

This is because too many relationships have come crumbling down in the face of lies, twisted truths and unwillingness to relate honestly.

Knowing how to honestly and humbly communicate is the backbone of any partnership.

Recovery from porn addiction requires accountability. This is a vulnerable and challenging communication practice. It involves humility, honesty, repentance and determination to pursue the greater good, even if it hurts.

Accountability develops deeply powerful characteristics in a partner, and fosters a sense of humble courage and reflection. It can enrich a couple’s communication skills in mighty ways.

The Disclaimer 

Not every struggling porn user demonstrates these characteristics. Depending on the season and individual, they will fall somewhere on the spectrum between mildly gracious, pure and honest and spectacularly so. However, some people don’t even register. And let’s not forget that struggling porn users may not make good partners for completely unrelated reasons!

There are a plethora of variables when it comes to individual struggles, personalities and relationships. Make sure you examine yourself and your partnership and seek to develop these qualities by the Spirit.

But know, someone struggling well and striving for recovery is very likely to know grace, be intentional about purity and has learned the art of communication. They can make a truly wonderful companion.

 

Help for partners 

Partners of those struggling with porn are profoundly affected by feelings of betrayal, hurt and inadequacy. Porn is a barrier to intimacy. This is why it is vital to seek healing in singleness and relationship.

Those who are dating and engaged can work through addiction, but are not bound by law or God. Sometimes breaks are necessary. For those who remain, RecoverSpouse Support Groups and couples counselling provide care for partners during this difficult process.

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