I have three clear memories of The Accident. One, was the never-ending-slow-motion-but-shockingly-unexpected impact. The sound of metal on metal, of my screaming, feeling the car rock back and forth and shrinking around me. My second memory was smiling at the trauma teddies looking down on me from the ambulance roof.
When you do accountability well, it can feed into recovery work. Accountability is inviting someone to hold you responsible for your actions and help you respect your own values. Recovery work is the messy but oh-so-liberating task of excavating your inner wounds in order to craft them into something positive.
What is the biggest lie a female porn addict can believe?
I first felt shame when I was four years old. My parents discovered my hideous onesie overflowing with the heads of stolen plastic flowers. They were pink.
I felt the same thing when I was ten and I borrowed my brother’s magic kit and broke it. When I was fifteen, I felt it again when my boyfriend was brutally attacked, and I was too afraid to do anything.
Shame has ridden on my back over the years for so many different reasons: not knowing the answer in class, forgetting a birthday, not speaking up, speaking up too much, kissing someone I shouldn’t have…
There are days when you will feel particularly broken. When the weight of what you’ve seen, done or where you’ve ended up will catch up to you and slug you in the chest. These are low days.
Today is one of those, for me.
“I wish I was an alcoholic, instead.”
“I wish I was addicted to drugs.”
“I wish I was addicted to real sex instead of just porn.”
Girl, you are a magnificent, frozen, ocean-bound ice-berg.
And not just because you can make a man (or a boat load of men) keep their distance from your icy-aloofness, or because your heart appears to have frozen over with frustration and hurt, or because you’re a huge half submerged ice-queen.